lmorchard: (Default)
[personal profile] lmorchard
Dammit. Most times I hate my nonconfrontational nature. It stops me from standing up for myself when I need to, and for speaking out when I should. Instead, it's always been easier to stew, and then either blow up, or blow things off. I end up just festering until I've built up enough to overcome my inhibition, and it's never a measured, subtle thing.

I'm not good at the little confrontations. I let everything slide. You could cut in front of me in a line, and the most you'd have to fear is that maybe I might mutter and clear my throat. At work, I let myself get all but completely used up, put up with shitty leadership, and just sit on it instead of saying anything about it. I almost quit my job instead of telling anyone about my stress and fed-up-ness. I'm looking at the copies of my resume along with the job app and bid forms. All filled out.

Then I had a talk with my immediate superior today that softened the edges a bit. At least some of my worries are known and acknowledged. Faere tells me they're still just bullshitting me and to go ahead with the resignation, but now my resolve to do it is sapped.

This is going to sound like cheesy-ass pop psychology, but I got this from my Dad. Not that he had the same problem, but that he was such a borderline abusive personality, that it was always easier for me to just avoid him. Let it go, weather the storm, keep it in, watch it pass. He would yell and growl and establish his dominance and claim to be right when he was idiocally and so sadly wrong... and then later, Mom would make it better.

I never had to make it better. To this day I haven't made an effort to face him. I still avoid him.

Fuck, I've got to excise this part of my personality and learn to start standing up and speaking out and asserting me. Somehow, I've got to unlearn this.
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lmorchard

May 2009

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