lmorchard: (Default)
So, this is Dreamwidth. Hello Dreamwidth!
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Oh, and now it's being suggested to me that, in order to start on a Master's degree, it would be better to have people reporting to me. That is, to have greater responsibility here. Whereas, I'm thinking it'd be nicer to have lesser responsibility altogether so I can focus on my education.

Am I crazy? I really don't want more shit to worry about here. Fuck.
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Through doubt and uncertainty, I've canceled out the impetus I had which led me to feel so sure I was going to quit my job. So sure was I that I revised my resume, filled out a U of M job application, and filled out bid forms for 5 jobs. But I never handed the forms in, and I started thinking that I was making a rash decision. Started thinking that I really should step back and talk to my superiors, work some things out.

Well... I suppose that process is started, but, I really don't feel better about this place at all. I'm pretty tired right now, but I can't decide whether this is a symptom or the cause of my distaste for being here.

So now I'm left with the same feeling of being burnt out and tired of this place but with no clear course of action to take. Maybe a vacation, but I still feel an itch for something more drastic than that.
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Jesus fuck. I had a busy random weekend.

I go from bemoaning being at home on a Saturday night to hardly seeing my couch this past weekend. Friday night was looking typical. I rented some anime, and settled down to watch them. Somehow I never got to them for some reason I cannot now remember. Saturday night, as reported by [livejournal.com profile] poisonhand, I went to the wedding of Christie Brooks and co-worker James Renaud. A wild time was had by all, and I believe the couple have now safely fled the country to Europe. They say it's for the honeymoon, but I think we know the real reason...

Then came my introduction to the world of the Tiny Rocket Kitten of Terror. On Sunday night. Who knew a Sunday could be so eventful? My entry of that night, although terse and focused, is fairly complete. Let your imagination run with those words, then attenuate it a bit-- although I had an amazing time meeting her, I didn't have that kind of amazing time :) It was crazy, but nothing untoward or unclothed happened. Hopefully I'll see her again. :)

And finally, to cap off one of the most insane weekends probably since I graduated college, I was invited to dine with [livejournal.com profile] quasilaur. In case you don't know... [livejournal.com profile] quasilaur lives in Chicago, IL. And, if you look at my profile, you'll see that I live in Ann Arbor, MI. If you're curious, do a quick city-to-city search on MapBlast and you'll see that it's about 3 hours and 39 minutes (in theory) to get there. So, [livejournal.com profile] quasilaur was working me over relentlessly on AIM to come out, making tempting claims to offers of PIE and cider.

So after some (too much) deliberation, I finally said to myself: "Fuck it." I hopped in the car, fueled up, got some food, and set off on my way. I really wish I would have made up my mind earlier, since I'd begun considering things seriously around 3:30pm or so, but didn't leave until 5:30pm. The trip took about 4 hours. Albeit briefly, I saw parts of Michigan that I've never seen before. I zoomed past Holland, MI, home of the infamous Slashdot.org. I cruised through Battle Creek, home of what might be sitting on your table for breakfast. I cheered when I saw the Illinois border, then groaned when I realized that I was hitting something that we don't have in Michigan: Toll roads. What a pain in the ass.

Then finally, I saw Chicago. But, due to traffic and general mixups in my Internet-acquired directions, it still took me about another hour with final guidance from mission control to finally land in alien territory. (I was about to make a link to a map where I ended up, but on second thought, the people in that vicinity might not appreciate it.) I was met by cell-phone wielding, uber-hyper [livejournal.com profile] quasilaur, with whom I wandered down the street to a lil diner place called Clarks staffed by punxsie types and with campy Mom posters saying "Oh, my, you should eat". Quasilaur has already written a bit about the meeting in her journal, so in my tired state, I'll refrain from rehashing too much. But, I was happy to meet [livejournal.com profile] soulhakr, Amy, Alida, and Tony. I almost didn't remember their names :) Too much input. Wandered around with them, and unfortunately I'd caught them all at the tail end of their night, so members of the motley peeled off for respective homes and things until finally it was a few of us hovering around my car as I was procrastinating leaving.

But finally, I left, after hugs and hand clasps. It was 11pm or so Chicago time, but since I'd been using my cell phone as a watch, I didn't realize it was actually 12am my time. (My cell phone conveniently readjusts itself when crossing timezones. Wheee!) So I got home at 4am. Ouch. Crash. Zzzz....

Anyway. What a fucking weekend. Fuck. I hope to do it all again, but next time spread things out over a few weekends or something :)
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I really hate it when people send me their thoughts across 8-9 ICQ messages... so when this person is trying to talk to me

*UHOH*
it comes out
*UHOH* *UHOH*
kinda like thsi
tihs
*UHOH*
this
*UHOH**UHOH*
hehe
sorry
*UHOH*
so what do you think?
*UHOH*
hello?

GRRRRRRR!!!
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Dear Diary,

Oh dear God. Oh Mama. Tonight, I met a truly a truly terrifying tiny rocket powered kitten. Mental note: Next time, bring a bottle of gin and an extra large roll of bubble plastic. Oh yeah, and a bunch of bananas wouldn't hurt.

Jinkies.
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Silly boy kitty. He starts purring loudly if I even look at him. Then he starts doing the rolling back and forth like a kitty/worm thing.
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Dammit. Most times I hate my nonconfrontational nature. It stops me from standing up for myself when I need to, and for speaking out when I should. Instead, it's always been easier to stew, and then either blow up, or blow things off. I end up just festering until I've built up enough to overcome my inhibition, and it's never a measured, subtle thing.

I'm not good at the little confrontations. I let everything slide. You could cut in front of me in a line, and the most you'd have to fear is that maybe I might mutter and clear my throat. At work, I let myself get all but completely used up, put up with shitty leadership, and just sit on it instead of saying anything about it. I almost quit my job instead of telling anyone about my stress and fed-up-ness. I'm looking at the copies of my resume along with the job app and bid forms. All filled out.

Then I had a talk with my immediate superior today that softened the edges a bit. At least some of my worries are known and acknowledged. Faere tells me they're still just bullshitting me and to go ahead with the resignation, but now my resolve to do it is sapped.

This is going to sound like cheesy-ass pop psychology, but I got this from my Dad. Not that he had the same problem, but that he was such a borderline abusive personality, that it was always easier for me to just avoid him. Let it go, weather the storm, keep it in, watch it pass. He would yell and growl and establish his dominance and claim to be right when he was idiocally and so sadly wrong... and then later, Mom would make it better.

I never had to make it better. To this day I haven't made an effort to face him. I still avoid him.

Fuck, I've got to excise this part of my personality and learn to start standing up and speaking out and asserting me. Somehow, I've got to unlearn this.
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We have no image
We're just called the good friends
We call the madmen back
As they fly to the ant hills
We never know, we never know
We sleep in satin nights
Throwing energy like bluebirds
In twilight

We call to stillness
As we kiss the water king's hand
We hear the one same name
As the darker the land gets
We never know, we never know
We're fueling for the light
Cascading like the rain
In twilight

Waiting for you, you look so close, we walk
a thousand stairs
Aching for your hand, our love a distant
voice, we have no image - we are light

We are not asking
No favors from the dead
We wash with moonlit hands
On the shores of our island
We never know, we never know
We sleep in satin nights
Throwing energy in silver curves
In twilight


Sometimes, I really want to find a rational meaning in lyrics like this, but I'm glad they slip past my rational guards and speak to my inner feyness. Because sometimes, an emotion defies rational dissection.

I'm just called a good friend...
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Okay, now I've got myself feeling almost painfully nostalgic.

I just mentioned this link about Robin Goodfellow in talking about the name of my boy kitty, Puck. Not only does the Puck Through the Ages page mention Puck as in The Sandman, but it mentions Puck as in the now off-air Disney cartoon Gargoyles

Yeah, yeah, a cartoon... so what? Well, this cartoon was no ordinary Disney venture. I once compared it to something Neil Gaiman's perkier twin brother might make. It had an amazing range of cultural and mythological references, and more solid story arcs than most prime time series. It had Gargoyles, Faerie, King Arthur and Merlin, Olympians... and, oh, like The Highlander, it took place across many periods of history, thanks to various feats of magic, immortality, and weirdness.

But really, why are memories of this "mere" cartoon tugging at a string just under my heart?

Because it was 1994, my sophomore year at college. I was living with 3 other guys in a dorm room, and it was the second year together for all but one of us. We, along with a few other friends, watched this cartoon religiously. We babbled about where the next week's episode would take things. We one even all got together and started playing with the idea of working in Gargoyles rules into a White Wolf roleplaying campaign we were playing. Eventually, that idea was scrapped, and many of the ideas seeped into the live action roleplaying system we wrote.

The thing is, I loved these guys. We all fit in, with each other. We were all intensely interested in certain common, dorky and geeky things. And we all had incredibly interesting things that we were thinking and talking about...

...and I can't find that in my world today.

...and we've all lost touch.

...and I miss it and them like crazy.
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This kitty just got done chasing his tail for 4 minutes straight, on top of my upper monitor. He almost ate the webcam.

(The pictures are inside...)Read more... )
lmorchard: (Kitties #1)
Warning: The story in this entry is disgusting. It is gross, maybe offensively so. You don't have to read this.

But... If you happen to have access to time travel or some sort of transtemporal telepathy, could you please deliver the following message to me, about 3 or 4 hours ago:
The instructions on the "flushable" kitty litter explicitly warn you not to try flushing an entire litter box of it at once. They mean it. It's not a joke or one of those stupid precautions like "Do not use hair dryer while sleeping". Not even a little.

So, umm... if you still remember to go change the litter, don't even think of not following the directions.
Read more... )
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Last night, I faced my Paranoia on the stage, and mastered it with style and sweat. But my Paranoia's Rebirth caught me by surprise, and I just barely made it through. It assailed me yet again, Paranoia having Evolved into something slightly new and more nimble than before. At this point, I was reaching my limit. My style was gone, and my Paranoia turned Dirty with the next wave that came through. I tried one more time to make my Paranoia Clean, but I was done for.

Maybe tonight, I'll shake myself off and have another go after first warming up so that I look Brilliant 2U.

There's a sound track to all of this.
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Okay, imagine you had a friend, and this friend has had a fairly successful career (by most standards). Maybe even say, in this career, this friend's income might reach $100,000+ some day. Maybe some day soon. But, you notice this friend has been pretty angsty for the last few months, and those bags under the eyes never quite seem to go away.

Say this friend comes to you and says, "Friend? Fuck it. I think I'm going to quit and go work for half my salary at a university job so I can start on a graduate degree."

[Poll #977]

Oh, and if I work with you? This is not about me.

Really.

These aren't the droids you're looking for. Move along.
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I didn't write this, but I've been thinking it...

"Open Your Eyes" by Yes

You've got a great imagination

You carry on in the same old way
No lessons learned from yesterday

Talk of changes lost in pages of paperwork

I believe it...
How can we refuse to see
I've received it...
What could be our final destiny
I believe that...
Still we go on from day to day
Knowing what could be true

Wish I knew
Wish I knew
Wish I knew

Open your eyes and discover
You're not the only one
In disguise
Do you wonder
When the change is gonna come?

Open your eyes

You've got a great imagination

We cast the world, we set the stage
For what could be the darkest age

Short exchanges
From perfect strangers
We'll never know
But wish we knew

I believe it...
It's time to face reality
I've received it...
Questioning the powers that be
I believe it...
Are we too confused to see?

Wish I knew
Wish I knew
Wish I knew
Wish I knew

Open your eyes and discover
You're not the only one
In disguise
Do you wonder
When the change is gonna come?


Open your eyes
You've got a great imagination
Open your eyes
Show it
Show it

Wish we knew

I believe it...
It's time to face reality
I've received it...
Things aren't what they used to be
I believe it...
What I see in you, you see in me

Wish I knew
Wish I knew
Wish I knew
Wish I knew

Open your eyes and discover
You're not the only one
In disguise
Do you wonder
When the change is gonna come?

Change is gonna come
Change is gonna come
Change is gonna come
You've got a great imagination

Change is gonna come
Change is gonna come
Change is gonna come
You've got a sweet imagination

Change is gonna come
Open your eyes
Change is gonna come
Open your eyes
Change is gonna come
You've got a deep imagination coming

Show it
Show it
Show it

Show it
Show it
Show it

(And, yes, I did have to post all the lyrics. Read them.)
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These eCards by blastula rock. See them. Now.
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Playing around with the webcam for a few new avatar/icons. What do you think about this one? Is from the old apartment, pre-haircut, and a lil bit pretentiously evil. I might put the kitty cats up to the cam next...

Oh, and many thanks to Poisonhand for this one.
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What am I doing home by myself on a Saturday night?

It's strange, I'm not depressed about this. But, I am worried. I do have a few friends I could call, like Poisonhand or Angsthammer or maybe We3bus, but it's a bit late right now, and they both live at least an hour away. What worries me, though, is that those are pretty much the only names I can come up with at the moment. I could call Faere, but again, it's late and I kinda think I won't be seeing her again until next weekend. (I am a little worried about that, too)

Anyway, I'm worried. Here I am, happily living in this town, and I know there are people here with whom I could be friends. I know there are people who like the same things as me, who would be interesting to hang out with. But... I haven't the foggiest idea how to find them, meet them, or befriend them. Where do I go? What do I do? How do I find them, know them when I see them, and what do I say? "Hi, you seem interesting, can we be friends?"

I honestly don't know. Once I know someone, I'm not all that shy, and I've been told that I'm interesting and fun to be around. But before then... well, I've got this habitual aloof persona I walk around in that isn't the truth at all. But even when I do talk to someone, even if I'm friendly and beat back the shyness for a few moments, it's never more than a brief and tenuous connection. Everything else I do feels contrived, and never seems to work.

So... here's what I meant when I wrote about being alien. None of this comes naturally to me, and I honestly don't know what to do.

Gawd, this sounds pathetic.
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The Collegians are Go!!


(Watch it, and be rocked.)
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Webcam experiment didn't quite work, and it was doing annoying things.
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